March 12th, 2010


(no subject)

This past year, I've given up on life in some ways. I haven't been looking for a job, or following any kind of ambition of what I want to do with my life. At some point I just stopped knowing what I wanted, and partly, I stopped caring.

About five years ago, I had gone through a lot of pain, with relationships and loneliness, depression and anxiety attacks. On the other side of all that, I found Buddhism, and it was a weight off. I learned so much, and I still value what I learnt. I became a monk for over two years, but that came with its own problems. I was striving too hard to achieve these meditation states, and trying so hard to maintain this strict schedule, and trying to fit so much into my time. In the end, it just all collapsed, and I just couldn't try anymore. I just blew up like a time-bomb, and I dis-robed and left the Buddhist tradition, feeling it was no longer right for me.

I explored some other Buddhist schools, and things similar, for a while, but gradually over the last year, I've fallen deeper and deeper into a pit of apathy. When I was a Buddhist monk, I had direction, I was going to become enlightened, and that's why I got up in the morning. Before I was a monk, I believed in soul-mates, and that's what kept me going, thinking I would oneday find my soul-mate and live happily ever after. But now I don't believe in such things, and all my fantasies have been unveiled, revealing the cold reality left over.

I don't know what I want, or what I want to do with my life. Everything seems so meaningless. I guess that's why I've been smoking a lot of weed lately, like I'm just hiding my head in the sand; given up trying with life. Apathy is a difficult thing, because I just don't care about anything, so there is no motivation to make the change, to pick myself back up, to get a job and a life again.

It does help me, when I tell myself to just take small steps. Not to look at the whole process of getting better, but to stay in the present moment, on this present step, then it's a lot easier. The only thing stopping my making my little steps, is apathy. How do I care again? Why should I care again? I know deeper inside, below the apathy, I really do care, but I don't understand it. I don't understand what I should do with my life, or what really matters.

Psychologically, I'm a complete mess of uncertainty and confusion, but I can't get help from anyone, because everyone has their own mental doctrine; their own belief-system on the meaning of life, and I just can't accept someone else's doctrine. Never again. The only option is to walk out blind into life, to decide to make the first small steps, on faith perhaps, that there is something better than this depression. Then to go out on my own, and discover what is valuable and precious, through focusing on my own spiritual growth, encouraging practices and attitudes that make sense to me. I don't need to be a Buddhist or religious, but I want to grow spiritually, and be more accepting, more loving and more at peace. I also want a job, so I can have money and get my own place again, and make new friends, and be more social and part of the community again. So maybe I do know what I want, at least a little bit, and writing this down has helped me. I just need to make some steps.

(no subject)

I dreamt last night I was an angel. You ever seen that old show, Touched by an Angel? They still play it on the Hallmark channel in the states. Well, I was an angel, and with those angels from the show. We were invisible to regular people, and we would follow them about, helping them. I helped people by whispering in their ears, but they actually heard the words as their own thoughts. How cool is that?

I think I dreamt that because I helped this drunk guy, earlier on that evening, and I guess I felt like an angel in a way. My mind was silent and had some kindness in it. You ever helped someone, or really listened to someone, and your own mind has gone silent? It's like you disappear and they become the centre of the universe instead. That's where peace is, when you really receive the universe, or whatever's happening in the present moment, you really receive it, let it in, really agreeing to this moment, feeling yes, okay, come on in, you can enter and share whatever I have, you can have my time and my attention, the door of my heart is open to you, come on in, this is fine, this is okay, I don't need to change this, this moment is the only moment, this is reality right now, I am actually alive right now, I am here, I exist in this very moment. You get the idea. ;D

I also dreamt that someone I know died, and I was really heart-broken. I was surprised, because I didn't realize how much that person meant to me. Dreams are good like that, they show us our deepest feelings; the ones that get suppressed under our conditioning when we're awake.

Do you know you are alive?

Most people forget. They get caught up in the 'contents' of life, that they miss life itself. They don't notice they are alive. When you're caught up in the contents, things can get very ordinary, but the moment you realize you are alive, then everything is very special and mysterious. This is a personal experience I've had once in a blue moon, over some years. It's not connected to Buddhism, or any philosophy, it's just something that has happened to me. Once, I was out in the woods, and all of a sudden, I realized I was alive. And my mind was silent, and I experienced a feeling of bliss. Everything snapped back into a greater perspective. Things that seemed so important, were now just the temporary contents of life, and paled in importance compared to the sheer reality that I was here, right now; that I even existed at all. Anything else was absolutely fucking meaningless.

It is such a mystery and a miracle that we even exist. It is so beautiful. I am. I exist. There is existence. There is life, happening now. I have hands, look at them move, look at them blur before my eyes. I have skin, look at it, feel it. I'm here now, talking. I can hear things, sounds. This moment is so unbelievably full. There is this huge sense of unknowing. The intellectual mind cannot begin to comprehend the sheer reality of simple being, existing. The cogs can't turn. There are no answers, there is just here, now. There is just this. There is just everything, this moment. There are no answers, but there are no questions. You can try to question, but you have to let it go.


If you don't realize your existence then you're living in a fucking dream world. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, then you're living in a fucking dream world.

This is a mantra for you: I'm here.

Frog asked Master Toad, "what is the ultimate truth, can you explain it to me?" Master Toad got up and smacked Frog upside the head. Feeling the sting, Frog noticed his existence. Master Toad then said, "good, you understand. Even an idiot can get this. True or false, ultimate or shitty, here it is, you can't deny it!"

Frog asked Master Toad, "what is reality?" Master Toad looked up at the trees, blowing in the wind. Seeing this, Frog noticed that reality was happening now. Master Toad then said, "what is reality? What a stupid question! There it is - it is that! If you say it is anything, you are just making it whatever you say it is!" The word, the concept, is not the thing. The thing is right there! What's your problem?"

Frog asked Master Toad, "who am I?" Master Toad picked up a bucket of freezing water, and poured it over Frog's head. The cool air hit the water, and Frog remembered he was alive. "That's all you need," said Master Toad, "if I tell you, you are this, or you tell me, you are that, that is all bullshit! Definitions are not insights into things, they are attachments we clip onto reality. As soon as you start talking, you've fucking lost it! It's right in your face, you fool! Stop reading about it!"

More frogs came and sat down, and Master Toad continued his teaching. "A frog's thoughts can never know reality. Reality is in one dimension, and a frog's thoughts are in whole fucking other dimension. It's like putting photographs together, trying to make a sound. Don't be an idiot! A frog's thoughts are the running commentary to reality. Who can watch a film, while the commentary is running? If we're at the cinema, and our friend is sat next to us, giving us a commentary, we wanna staple his mouth shut.

Thinking doesn't get you there. Thinking is the whole problem! Right now, this is it. Shut up and live with it!" Then Master Toad got up, and went for a walk.