Jeff's Drunken Meow New to the BBC.
Enter a living room. Look around to see three people on a red three-piece couch. The first is Jeff, a black cat, who is actually a man in a costume. His face is where a cat's teeth and tongue should be. The second doesn't have a name, because he's deaf and couldn't lip-read when his parents were alive. Now, from good fortune, he is also blind. We don't need to label him at this point. He sits in the same place most of the day and since he can't see nor hear us, we'll repay the courtesy and never speak of him again. The third is a shirt and tie called Richard. I am Richard. And what you're reading is my thoughts. I can take you anywhere I like. Maybe the bathroom in the house across the road, where Shelly with her long red hair is taking a shower. See those fingers massaging in shampoo, those toes with red nail polish, and everything beautiful between. Yes, you can see her, you fucking pervert. She doesn't need to leave her window cracked for us to get inside. There's no escaping a pervert's imagination.
Jeff is the only cat in the world, except for maybe cats in China, that smokes cigars. He lights one up. "Someone needs to feed him." he says to the television. He's talking about the deaf and blind guy we just call "him". I'm not feeding him. What's the point? Why feed him ever again? "Someone needs to feed him, he's hungry." the cat says to the television. Ding dong. There's someone at the door. "There's someone at the door." the cat says to the television. The couch inhales as I stand up and walk to the door. Through the peep-hole, a girl has her hand cupped to her mouth, smelling her breath. I take the chain off and she straightens up. I open the door. Shelly is the deaf and blind guy's daughter. Her hair smells like strawberry shampoo as she passes me through the doorway. I told her we'd look after her dad, hoping I'd get her drunk at some point and fuck her. Hasn't happened yet. She's tracking snow in the house. Snowy footprints on my carpet. Reminds me it's almost new year. Could have a party. Invite Shelly. Have I been standing here with the door open smiling long? I don't know. Inside, Shelly sits on her father's lap, reading him a story. He's blind you stupid bitch. He doesn't even know you. Just that strawberry shampoo and the shape of your hip is all he knows.
Blind and deaf people piss me off. Like it gives them an excuse to do nothing all day. You don't need eyes and ears to scan chocolate barcodes. The Spar has vacancies. Fucking lazy bastard. And I'm keeping you? Well, I'm gonna fuck your daughter, drunk, with you in the room. See how blind and deaf you are then, faker! He's clapping his hands and laughing like a retard, as though he understood a word of the story. Little does he know she’s been reading him the VCR instruction booklet. “So, I was thinking of ordering a pizza, but you have to spend like ten pounds to get free delivery and I can’t eat that much pizza and no one else wants any so I was thinking since you’re here already you might as well stay for some, I mean, if you wanted, if you’re hungry. Are you hungry?” I’m ranting on in Shelly’s general direction. God, that was smooth, fucking idiot. “Okay.” she says. “I want pizza,” the cat says to the television, blowing out cigar-smoke, “meat feast.” I’m holding the phone, dialing. Seth, the pizza guy, answers.
Seth is a big guy, dark hair, beard. Everyone takes their problems to him. The empty beer cans in his car, your knees are in the air, your feet on top of them, hundreds. I would sit and speak and he would listen. He’s standing at the window now, three pizza-boxes in front of him, impatient look on his face.
I’m alone with Shelly in the kitchen. She wearing my tie, me wearing her lipstick. Sex-hair all around. I haven’t though. Not yet. I’m waiting for the perfect moment and then, bang bang bang, Bob’s your uncle. “What are you grinning about?” Shelly slurs in my direction. Her hand is gripping dangerously high on my thigh. When she speaks, her head comes forward and her hair hits my shoulder. Twelve beers and three pizzas and my time has finally arrived. My moment of glory. When I said “alone”, I was excluding one blind and deaf father, oblivious, across the table from us. This is for you. This is how you pay your way, you fuck. This is why you’re here.