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November 28th, 2009
04:34 am
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Pizza is a cheese heaven
with pepperoni angels.
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04:32 am
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Pizza is good.
It is a yellow planet of taste
in a 2D universe.
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04:26 am
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Pizza does not taste good.
It is actually the brain that tastes good.
The pizza touches your taste buds
and a signal is sent to the brain.
None of the pizza enters those taste buds
and none of it enters the brain.
All of the pizza stays with the pizza
until you swallow it.
Why can't we have a pizza-brain-taste
without the pizza?
Perhaps the pizza itself contains advanced information
that is read by the taste buds,
like computer code.
So the brain is real feeling-maker,
not the pizza.
If I had a very advanced finger,
I could rearrange its atoms
to send pizza information when I touched my tongue.
There you have it:
pizza is actually pure information.
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November 27th, 2009
10:22 pm
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Cheese is weak.
Bread is weak.
Tomatoes are weak.
But together they are pizza
and as pizza
they are strong.
-by Me
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09:46 pm
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Oh, God
In the beginning, there was a bang,
a great big bang,
and God thought to himself,
"what was that?"
Then he thought,
"what heard it?"
So he had a look and,
being God,
he could see whatever he wished to
and so he saw
himself.
And a great joy rose up
and it was wondrous and wide,
like vast, blue sky, flooded with sunlight.
There was joy and joy
and joy,
so much joy
and when the joy reached its peak,
it began to decline.
And sorrow began to swirl in the universe,
as a black lightless pool.
Then God, within his self-hatred,
began creating innumberable things to distract himself.
Great, beautiful fantastic things
to lose himself in.
He created so many complicated, intricate things
he could no longer see his true self,
something so simple and basic
it could no longer be seen
among the complexities of his creations.
So God was lost,
gazing through the eyes of his puppets.
But somewhere inside him was a tiny spark;
a faint whisper of a memory
calling him back
home
to himself.
Though he did not understand
or recognize the voice,
he began to follow.
-by Me
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November 24th, 2009
05:33 pm
My Dog
The concrete is cold. It makes my bum numb.
The dog has that blanket, but he still shivers.
I wanna squeeze him in my arms, but he's too old and brittle.
All the excitement gone out of him, he just takes what comes and is quietly content.
The kinda dog that shakes his head at younger dogs, still thirsty for life.
His wisdom is old, and he does not bark or growl.
He lets cats come and go.
If meat or bone is there, he will take it, but he will not cry when it's taken away.
He is going from this world. This he knows.
He is in line for death; just waiting now.
He will pass away, as a wind only noticed by what it moves,
he will drop and be still and be invisible, forever.
-by Me
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04:32 pm
The Toad-man
"Have you heard about the Toad-man?"
"Don't be stupid!
Oh my god,
you actually believe that, don't you?"
"He's real! I know, Tommy Two-fingers told me!"
"Oh, wake up, you child-man!"
"No, I will tell you the story."
"Go on then; good for a laugh, I suppose."
"Tommy Two was doin' coke wid William One-hand in the bogs,
when they heard them wet footsteps
slapping,
near the sinks.
Then they heard 'im gurglin' somethin' rotten, that Toad,
but they couldn't see 'im,
with being in the stall an' all.
Then they heard slimy hands
slippin'
'round their toilet-door.
His fingers oozing through the cracks and takin' hold.
They he started shakin' the door something vicious,
growling,
gurgling.
The door banging and crunching.
Then it folded like a piece of paper and he tossed it aside.
And he grabbed onto old William One-hand,
by his one hand,
and he looked deep into his eyes with his round black-moon pupils
and he said,
STOP SELLING THEM FUCKIN' DRUGS TO ME KIDS!"
"You're fulla shit!"
"No..
I'm not. You'll fuckin' see, believe you me, mate."
-by Me
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November 13th, 2009
02:09 am - The Scarecrow
Once I said to a scarecrow, "You must be tired of standing in this lonely field,"
And he said, "The joy of scaring is a deep and lasting one, and I never tire of it."
Said I, after a minute of thought, "It is true; for I too have known that joy."
Said he, "Only those who are stuffed with straw can know it."
Then I left him, not knowing whether he had complimented or belittled me.
A year passed, during which the scarecrow turned philosopher.
And when I passed by him again I saw two crows building a nest under his hat.
Kahlil Gibran
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November 10th, 2009
November 2nd, 2009
06:27 pm - Give Up
Give it up and let go. You cannot possibly figure it out. Spiritual seekers think, think, think, thinking that thinking will get them there. Thinking can only arrive at more thoughts. No amount of thinking or philosophy will get you there. Drop all that. Believing is useless and so is thinking, and especially philosophy is useless, in this matter of spirituality. Philosophy itself is a big joke.
Philosophy only ever leads to more philosophy. Just as a calculator can only arrive at new numbers, so the thinking mind can only arrive at new thoughts. Can a mind, no matter how powerful and clever, ever arrive at the taste of an apple, without having tasted it? No. We must understand what the thinking mind is, we must understand the realm it is confined to; the realm of thought. No matter what we punch into a calculator, we can never get anything but numbers. It's the same with the thinking mind, no matter what we think, we will only ever get more thoughts. We can never touch upon a new experience. So, in spiritual matters, what is the use of the thinking mind? What is the use of philosophy? It's a big joke.
The only practice that can be said to be spiritual is meditation. Actually doing it. All these books and ideas, unless they are practical instructions on how to meditate, are useless. Yeah, so this is my rant on why philosophy is a load of shit. Namaste.
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October 24th, 2009
October 12th, 2009
03:37 pm - Head-fucked
I'm in one of those moods where everyone can go to hell. I won't say why -- it would be unwise, given the reason. That's the disadvantage of an online journal. At least with a private one you can say whatever you want, openly, without people judging you. The thing is I get bored very easily with private journals, since they seem kinda pointless because no one else will ever read them, so I might as well be writing with invisible ink. So an online journal is good because you get to put things out there, and other people respond, which gives me some satisfaction.
You know that feeling where everything makes sense, and it feels your feet are firmly on the ground, you know exactly what you're doing and where you're going, and you are at ease? Well, I certainly don't. I feel completely the opposite. Life used to be simple and easy, but now it doesn't seem to have any meaning at all, and I'm kindof at a standstill with myself. I don't know what I want or need. I don't know what is true about life and death and beyond. I just simply don't have a clue about what to do anymore. I have never felt so uncertain in my whole life. Uncertain about everything. I used to be certain about things, and that gave me direction in my life and a sense of security. But now all that's gone, and I keep trying to build it back up again, but it just won't work.
I keep trying to understand things and get some certainty back, which would give me direction again and security, but I can't do it. Just nothing is certain. I can't believe in anything spiritual on one hand, and on the other I can't accept the materialist oblivion. So I'm just drifting, not knowing which way to swim.
I know there's supposed to be a lot of beautiful things about being alive, and I see life as the most precious thing; just "being" is a miracle, but I can't appreciate anything good about life, because I'm stuck in this intellectual quandary. Part of me says to just drop the intellect and just appreciate the beauty of life and just being here. But another part is afraid to drop it; I'm afraid that if I drop it, I'm just ignoring it, ignoring something I should be doing to ensure some safety after death.
I suppose the latter comes from my Buddhist conditioning, that I need to create loads of good karmas and do special meditation techniques, or I'll come back as an animal and eventually end up in hell. I know all that sounds daft as hell, but I just don't know it's wrong for certain, and I believed in it for years, so it's hard to just dismiss it. I'm just SO FUCKING CONFUSED!!
I guess all the different views on what is truth and what is or isn't beyond death -- they are all just views, and there's no objective proof for any one of them. So then it seems the only way is to find our for oneself, either through death or some meditation practice. Maybe all I can do is pick a meditation practice that I like and works for me, and just do it every day and see where it takes me. Because I know there is something in meditation. I've meditated long enough to know that.
It's hard to accept for me that I don't know the answers. I suppose the problem is that I still don't accept that I can't figure it out somehow through thinking. As the days go by, I feel like my mental temperature is rising and at some point it's just going to explode, and I'll either be completely enlightened or completely insane. I love the dramatics.
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October 9th, 2009
12:27 pm
I've had an interesting experience the last few days. First, I was just lieing down and thinking about the very first time I meditated and the way I did it. It wasn't Buddhist meditation, it was taught to me by a native american man from Michigan. So anyway, I was laying there, and I couldn't quite remember how I used to do it. I could remember the effects, but not the actual practice I did to get there. So I just began again anyway, and I tried to get a feel for it, and then it all started coming back to me.
I went through my body, just letting go of each part, releasing each part of my body from my clinging consciousness, and I felt as though at any moment I could just peel my mind right off my body and have one of those out-of-body experiences. As I progressed a bit more, I had a realization that I'd always been holding onto this body, and that I didn't need to, and letting go of it was so simple. As I let go off more of my body, I feel a deepening calm, like dropping a heavy sack off my back.
And I saw into the thoughts too and the ego, and began to let them go a little. So I guess you could say it wasn't "me" that was letting go off them. It just went above the concepts and the thoughts, into something impersonal. The person too would be left behind, so there is no person that needs to be enlightened or needs to get anything or do anything, because none of that is the real "me", even though the real me is not a me at all, I just have to use that word for language.
Now I'm starting to think that things are easier than I once thought. This person does not need to achieve anything great, or engage in physical and mental asceticism. The consciousness is just fine, and the person and the body were just things it was holding onto and can quite easily let go of. They are like hot coals in the hands of consciousness. Somehow the consciousness, or the mind of God, gets lost in these coals and identifies with them. It is very strange indeed.
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October 4th, 2009
08:51 pm
I felt the spirit of God in me tonight. I wonder if that makes him real. My grandma was going to kill a fly, and I rose up in it's defence, "...all creatures great and small, the lord God made them all..." Then suddenly I felt the presence of God in me, and recognized it, because I'd felt it in the past. I wonder if that makes God real.
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September 24th, 2009
05:50 pm
If you watch my journal, please join the new community I've started, since I'll be doing a lot of posts there, and if you join they'll show up on your friend's page. I think it'll be cool to have a community that is not just strictly Buddhist philosophy but a wider variety. Should make for some interesting discussions.
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12:06 am - New Community
I recently started a new community for the discussion of philosophy and religion. Please help get it started by posting! Click here ---> Cult of the Moment
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September 23rd, 2009
11:49 pm
I can see why so many people chase these Gurus. I've been feeling myself so desperate for some answers, that I wish there was someone out there who had them and could help me, but I really don't think there is anyone. I don't think anyone really knows, which makes my own search for knowledge very unlikely to succeed, because if no one alive knows could I really come to know?
I don't even know what I'm really talking about here. There is just a yearning for something. Maybe understanding, but maybe not. Maybe understanding is not enough. I wouldn't just wanna know God, I'd want to feel him. I'd have to become him to know him as well as I need to. I say "him" but I don't think it's anything like that. A "male" is just a concept, like "I'm a scout leader". (I'm not)
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September 16th, 2009
03:15 pm
I just got back from America. I can't be bothered writing about it now though.
The other night I dreamt of Ajahn Brahm. It was quite vivid. What I remember most about him was his eyes. They were incredibly peaceful, and strangely-powerful-looking. He was telling me a story about him and his master. His master would answer the questions of other students directly, but whenever Brahm asked a question, his master would give it two answers which were completely contradictory. Ajahn Brahm explained that his teacher would no longer give him the answers, because the student needs to stand on his own feet.
This gave me a lot of confidence when I woke up. I realized how I'd been dependant upon a teacher's approval, when I didn't need to be. I can stand on my own feet and make my own decisions about how to practice and follow my own spiritual path.
Dreams like this one make me wonder who my real teacher is. Was it God talking to me in my dream? Was it my subconscious mind? Was it my Buddha-nature, or some innate wisdom in me that was rising to the surface? Or was it just a random fantasy, the result of too much tacos?
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September 2nd, 2009
04:01 pm
I think I just hypnotised a pigeon. I was doing zazen at the train station and a pigeon got locked in my gaze. It just kept looking into my eyes for ages, which was weird because they never usually stop. I felt like we were merging together into one, and I could experience his mind. He really wanted some food, but I didn't have anything on me. Pigeons are really clever despite what some people think. They can investigate and try to comprehend things. They understand the concept of possibility and can use inference. They don't just go for food that is present, they also understand the potential for food. They understand humans have the power to possess food, even when they don't.
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